Magical pests come in many shapes and sizes. From poltergeists to pixies, each creature is unique in its abilities and threat-level. Some are only occasional annoyances while others are incessant dangers. The biggest problem of all? Determining if you truly have a problem. Some pests can escape detection for years, lifetimes even, through the use of bewitchment and enchantment. However, there are always signs if you know how to look for them. Missing items, tell-tale clues like scorch marks and scratches, and general disbelief from friends and family members who listen to your…issues.
Salt rings and garlic aside, some homemade deterrents simply aren’t enough to resolve the problem, which is why I’ve asked a magical pest control expert to share his insight with me today. For security’s sake, he’s requested that his name and the name of his company remain anonymous (we’ll call him “Bob” for our interview). His full story can be found here (labeled benignly as a short story titled “Bigger Monsters,” again for security reasons). Thank you, Bob, for stopping by.
Bob: Sure. Always glad to be of help.
MLH: I’m sure many readers are curious why you take such precautions like withholding your name and the name of your company. Would you mind explaining?
Bob: The first thing ya gotta understand about magical creatures is that most of ’em have a pretty high level of intelligence. Much higher than your average human’s, that’s for sure. We practice a catch-and-relocate policy whenever possible, but some monsters are far too dangerous for that. And, even with a live-catch policy, we’ve managed to make enemies in our line of work. Fire-breathing banshees, rock-throwing giants, venomous basilisks–
MLH: Like in Harry Potter?
Bob: Oh, yeah, sure, well…they tame that stuff down for the kids, you know. Anyway, it’s best to keep our names out of it just to dodge all the curses that’d be flying our way for retribution’s sake. Plus, the boss ain’t big on advertising.
MLH: So, how might a person find the right magical pest control assistance? I mean, it doesn’t sound like something you can simply search for on the Internet.
Bob: You’re absolutely right about that. Most of the magical pest control businesses you’d find on the web are big, fat cons. They could make your problems worse. No, the best businesses work by word-of-mouth, so if you’re looking for help, have a talk with your neighbors. You might mention the strange happenings you’ve been encountering, just casually. You know, if you can work it into the conversations. Then, see how they respond.
MLH: Isn’t that a bit risky? I mean, if you tell your neighbors that you’ve got a garage full of goblins or a swimming pool taken over by kelpies, isn’t that going to raise a few eyebrows?
Bob: You’d be surprised how many people live in denial that magical creatures exist. They’ll brush your words off as a joke. But there’s always gonna be a few neighbors who had similar problems in the past, and they’ll actually believe you. Hopefully, they’ll know who to call and pass along our number to you.
MLH: Suppose you don’t have any neighbors who believe you, and you can’t find any magical pest control personnel to help. Is it safe to attempt home remedies?
Bob: Some are worse than the pest they’re intended to repel. Trust me, I understand desperation. In tough times, ya do whatcha gotta do. But if you’re gonna try a home remedy, then at least make sure to read all labels carefully (especially the fine print), wear protective gear, and always follow the directions exactly. Because if ya don’t, there will be consequences.
MLH: Such as?
Bob: Well, I knew one fella who tried to destroy a will-o’-the-wisp nest with a batch of home-brewed wisp-spray. It didn’t harm the wisps, of course. Just made ’em change colors. Blues, purples, greens. Real pretty, actually. But the guy? He came down with a bad case of spontaneously combustible flatulence and a nasty, oozing rash on his chest that for some reason resembled a smiley face.
MLH: That is unfortunate.
Bob: You bet. But people often overlook the obvious. They chase after quick fixes like a home-brew wisp-spray when a better solution is right in front of them.
MLH: How so?
Bob: Before people invest in any magical pest control or any homemade pest remedies, they should ask themselves if their encounter with magic is an actual problem. See, a lot of people have a pretty pathetic lack of creativity these days. Their atrophied imaginations struggle to explore even mundane possibilities, like a different brand of coffee at their morning breakfast table. So when something magical or wondrous comes into their lives, they don’t know how to handle it.
MLH: Perhaps the magical creatures aren’t the real problem. Is that what you’re suggesting?
Bob: Maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. All I’m sayin’ is, you gotta be willing to use your imagination. Magic happens all around you, and not all of it is pernicious.
MLH: And for the magical pests that are pernicious?
Bob: Well, then give us a call.
MLH: That’s great advice, Bob. And with that, we’re out of time. For anyone who’s interested in magical pest control, or to learn more about Bob’s unusual workplace experiences, remember that you can find more to his story here.
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