The Goblin Scams: Halloween Edition

Unfortunately, we humans aren’t the only ones who like to have fun for Halloween. There’s nothing goblins love more than scamming a bunch of stupid, sugar-buzzed humans wearing silly-frilly costumes. As a public service, I like to keep track of the latest goblin scams so you, my dear readers, won’t get duped.

The top goblin scams so far this season?

House Decorating

If you see a flyer attached to your gate or front door “helpfully” offering to decorate the outside of your house in Halloween themes, keep your money in your pocket. Or, at the very least, make sure you have excellent home insurance.

Best case scenario of this con? You wake up to find a bunch of Easter eggs hidden on your front lawn. Worst case scenario? You’ll no longer have a lawn. Or a house.

Here’s what remains of victim #1’s house. Note the distinct lack of Halloween pumpkins. Or festive lights. Or a door. Or windows. Or any other livable spaces.

Here’s all that remains of victim #2’s house. Victim #2 tried (unsuccessfully) to sue for damages. The goblin contract promised to transform the house into a “frightening sight,” and the judge ruled that fire and brimstone satisfy the terms of such an agreement.

Dating Services

Apparently, goblins are quite puzzled by humans’ need for love and companionship, but that doesn’t stop them from preying on innocent hearts. Looking for a date to accompany you to your friend’s fun Halloween party? The goblins are more than ready to “assist” you.

The goblin contract promised victim #1 that this lovely bubble-sparkle-flower goddess would meet him for an unforgettable Halloween dinner-date.

Here’s who actually showed up for that Halloween dinner-date. She was hungry, too. Very hungry. Victim #1’s doctors say he’s adjusting to his new prosthetics very well. Unfortunately, he never did recover the money he forked out for his “dream” date.

Pet Grooming Services

For some people, it’s not enough to don a costume with a wig or a mask. They want their pets to share in the Halloween fun as well, and again, the goblins are happy to “help.” In this particular scam, goblin “groomers” offer to dress up your pooch in all the latest Halloween fashions.

Here’s an example of what the goblins commonly promise in their pet makeover services.

As you can see, the actual results are quite different from most victims’ expectations. Once again, lawsuits have proved ineffectual since the terms of the agreement promise to provide a makeover transformation so astounding that owners will hardly recognize their beloved friends. Most judges agree that the goblins certainly held up their side of the bargain.

Sadly, in each of these examples, the victims could have avoided these terrible outcomes by remembering the common sense advice that we so often ignore in our greed for quick fixes and instant gratification. First, if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is. Second, always read the fine print. And third, goblins have been swindling humans for centuries, so don’t be ignorant–IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

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